the compound

i am wishing i didn't have to live on the compound. It wouls be so easy. I have to deal with my own depression issues but i have to also be there for my family. Right now Keith and Tonya are going thought a nasty divorce. The kids are stuck in the middle. Mom and dad are talking about going for guardianship[ of the kids.
I am not sleeping well without Jesse beside me or in the same place ie the apartment or trailer. One day last week i was tired i laid in bed and i could not fall asleep. Well at midnight i went to the bedroom and laid down and as soon as Jesse turned on the kitchen lights i was out. I guess it was just waiting for him to come home that eased my mind enough i could finally fall asleep. Then the other night we had horrible thunder storms and i was tired but i could not fall asleep till Jesse got home and he was over an hour late. I had finally called the store and found out the other guy was late that is why Jesse was late.
There is more to write but i am to hot to think.

3 am

here it is 3 am and i am awake. I am not sure why i am awake. I just know that i could not sleep. I am going to try and go back to bed in a few min. I thought i would blog since i have alot on my mind, I was asleep but i woke up. I have made up my mind i am not going to follow my dream of being a mom to an angel on earth. I have an angel and that is all i am to have. I told Jesse about that tonight and he didn't have anything to say about that. I also to My therapist and she for me not to make such a decision right now. I told her the reasons for my decision and that i was at peace with it. She let it go but i know it will come up again. I just can't do the emtional rollor coster ride right now. I need to get my mind on other things and if i don't follow that dream then i can work on getting better both mentally and physically. I got the impression she thinks my pain is anixty based. It very well could be but i wish it all would go away. I don't need that crap. I am thinking that Jesse is getting more comfy at the trailer. He was there Monday night after work and i am thinking he is staying tomorrow night even though he needs to be at work at 8am. I proved to him that he can get up and make it there by 8am because i was up and down here at 7:30 this morning and i didn't get up till about 6:45. Well i am going to try and get some sleep as we are down 1 person tomorrow at work and i have to be there at 8am. Night

updates

I was just rereading some old posts on here and i never really updated them. Back in Jan i stated that i needed to clean up some clutter in my life. Well i did clean up some. I did quit the fire dept. I am now moving back to the trailer. I have all my clothes here but that is it. I have to bring home some dishes and other things. I am not sure if that is cleaning up clutter or making it worse. Either way it will make my life easier in the long run.
Back in on March 22 i didn't say but they found another blood clot in my right lung it is slightly higher in the lung the first one that i had in June 06 I have to go and see the blood dr. I am not sure what he is going to say but i know it will be something to the fact that i don't have any clotting disorders so they won't know the reason that i got this clot. I know that much because they didn't find any reason that i got the last one except it had to do with the HELLP Syndrome and i was in the post partuem period. So what will they find this time Only 1 person knows and he sure aint telling me. Sometimes i beleive there is a god that know all but then there is times that i don't know. If there is a god why does he take away babies from the poeple that want and deserve them and let the ones that are not deserving of them or even want them have them. That is my biggest thing. Who knows i don't. I also want it to be clear that i am not going to be asking God to give me another chance at being a mother to an angel on earth. I am done with that. If he wanted me to have a child on earth then he would not have taken my angel Jackson. I know things happen for a reason but with all my medical issues i don't think it would be fair to the child, Jesse or me to have another one. I don't want to get attached and lose another child. It would kill me. I am going to stop looking at everything and wondering what if i am with child. I am going to stop wasting my money on tests. I am not going to waste my breath on talking about the someday that will never happen. I am going to deal with the fact that my time of having my child in my arms is over. He will never be far from my heart but i will never hold my own child again. I am fine with that. It doesn't pain me to say that. It actully feels better to me to have said that and mean it. I am not going to keep getting my hopes up. I am done. No more babies for me. I love Jackson and i Love Jesse and they are the men in my life. I am actully happy for once in a long time. I wish i didn't have the pain but other then that i am good. I am finally doing what i feel is right. I guess i got up on a soapbox here and i didn't mean to but it felt good to get it out and get it on paper ( sorta). With that i am going to go to bed i think well at least i am going to put the laptop down and lay in bed. Might actully read a book. Night all

re arranged

Here i sit at the trailer. I rearranged the living room today but that is all i have done. Well i went to town with my dad and got soda. But that is it i didn't get up till noon. Jesse stayed with me last night. But i didn't want to go to sleep so i would not have a nightmare again. I finally fell asleep around 4 am i think. I am tired now but i know if i go to sleep now i will not sleep tonight
I am watching a show about candy. It is weird it is one of those trade shows where the try and sell the products. I can't beleive it is 6:30 pm already and the sun is still shining. Good thing maybe we can get rid of snow. I can't wait till it all gone. Well that is all for now i will write more later.

sitting here

So here i sit at 8:30 at night in the living room. Watching Tv. We meaning Jesse and i just left mom's and dad's to come home. We just spent the whole evening with my family. I am glad we can do that. I know it is not normal. But we were playing the WII. and Now the rest of them are watching a movie that Jesse and i started watching Tuesday and we didn't like it. So we can home. There is plenty i could be doing over here but i rather sit here next to Jesse and play on my laptop while he watches a show on tv. I am also charging his MP3 player so he can listen to it. We woke up early today so it might be a early night also.
I guess i should get to the real reason i am writing this blog. I need to vent. I can't vent on Myspace. So here i go. I don't know why i am the one who is in pain all the time. I am having issues with my right it feels as if i got punched in the eye. I have a sever headache. I am having pain in the chest and in my left calf. I don't know what all the pain means. Well i am not going to complain anymore about the pain it is not getting me anywhere. I have to go back on Monday to get my finger pricked. I go on April 9th to see the blood dr. well I am off to bed Night

so i can't sleep. I have this one thought running wild though my mind. I need to clean up clutter in my life. One thing that has been there and i am not doing anything about is the Fire Dept. Well i have made a decision. I am leaving the dept. It is all volunteer so it is not like i get paid. I have made history with the dept. It has been in my blood since i was a little girl. My dad has been on the dept since i can remember. I was one of the first (2) females on the dept. But with my depression and all the other stuff in my life it is not fair to me or the dept. I am not capable of doing the job that i need to do. I am not in town enough anymore. I will support the dept by going to fundraisiers and helping out when i can. I just feel the dept would be better off without me. I have only told 1 person this and yes that is Jesse. He is no help. I have emailed another person and she will get the info in the morning and i bet i will have an email tomorrow night when i get home. ALong with a phone call.well off to bed now that i have this thought under control with writing it down on something. normally it would be paper but i think the keyboard works better for me. Yes it is easier for me to type it out then write. Plus neater. And it is easier to erase here then on paper. so maybe i can sleep now.

and update

I should have updated the blog earlier, I ended up not takeing the family pet to the Vet that morning. My dad said no it was not the right time to have her put down. I have been feeling good the last few weeks except for the pain in my legs ( the calf area) so i went to the ER last night after talking to the dr on call and he said to go. I went and nothing there. I was told to start taking an asprin a day. I will double check with the pharmacist when i go and pick up my script. Well that is all for now as i am going to spend time with Jesse b4 he goes to work.