updates

I was just rereading some old posts on here and i never really updated them. Back in Jan i stated that i needed to clean up some clutter in my life. Well i did clean up some. I did quit the fire dept. I am now moving back to the trailer. I have all my clothes here but that is it. I have to bring home some dishes and other things. I am not sure if that is cleaning up clutter or making it worse. Either way it will make my life easier in the long run.
Back in on March 22 i didn't say but they found another blood clot in my right lung it is slightly higher in the lung the first one that i had in June 06 I have to go and see the blood dr. I am not sure what he is going to say but i know it will be something to the fact that i don't have any clotting disorders so they won't know the reason that i got this clot. I know that much because they didn't find any reason that i got the last one except it had to do with the HELLP Syndrome and i was in the post partuem period. So what will they find this time Only 1 person knows and he sure aint telling me. Sometimes i beleive there is a god that know all but then there is times that i don't know. If there is a god why does he take away babies from the poeple that want and deserve them and let the ones that are not deserving of them or even want them have them. That is my biggest thing. Who knows i don't. I also want it to be clear that i am not going to be asking God to give me another chance at being a mother to an angel on earth. I am done with that. If he wanted me to have a child on earth then he would not have taken my angel Jackson. I know things happen for a reason but with all my medical issues i don't think it would be fair to the child, Jesse or me to have another one. I don't want to get attached and lose another child. It would kill me. I am going to stop looking at everything and wondering what if i am with child. I am going to stop wasting my money on tests. I am not going to waste my breath on talking about the someday that will never happen. I am going to deal with the fact that my time of having my child in my arms is over. He will never be far from my heart but i will never hold my own child again. I am fine with that. It doesn't pain me to say that. It actully feels better to me to have said that and mean it. I am not going to keep getting my hopes up. I am done. No more babies for me. I love Jackson and i Love Jesse and they are the men in my life. I am actully happy for once in a long time. I wish i didn't have the pain but other then that i am good. I am finally doing what i feel is right. I guess i got up on a soapbox here and i didn't mean to but it felt good to get it out and get it on paper ( sorta). With that i am going to go to bed i think well at least i am going to put the laptop down and lay in bed. Might actully read a book. Night all