I guess because i am the strong one i am not allowed to be scared. Well i have a news flash. I am scared out of my mind. I am so afraid that something is going to happen. Because i am the 1 in a million that something happens to. I am the 1 in 3 that loses a pregnancy to m/c I am the 1 in what ever chance that loses their child to HELLP. I am the one in a million. Well i am so tired of being that one in a million. I want it to stop. I want to be "normal" what ever that means. I am not. As one of my friends put it there is always someone who has to be that 1 in a ?? and that might as well be you. she is joking when she said it but it is the truth. I know being almost 31 i should not need my mom but i do. It is wrong that i want my mom there when i wake up from surgery. Since i know that Jesse won't be able to be there. Is it wrong for me not to want to be alone. I want to have someone there with me so i don't get sick. I am that horrible of a person to want to be loved and wanted.
Is it wrong of me not to want to socialize with people who put me down. Is it wrong not to want to be around people who can't stand me. It is wrong for me to want to be away from people because they are with child. knowing that i am at a point in my life where i can't have one of my own. Is that thinking wrong. It is selfish of me to want to be happy. If it is wrong to feel or want these things then i am wrong. Maybe i should just leave this place and find a new place where i can be around people that don't put me down. Maybe someday i will be okay being around poeple that are with child. Maybe someday i will be happy every where i go. I just know it is not going to happen anytime soon. I am so scared right now. I am not sure what i am going to do. I can't sleep all i do is lay there. Heck if try to eat i just end up in pain. I don't have anyone that i can talk to about this because i feel as if i burdoning them. I have my therapist on Saturday. I am so afraid that something will happen on the opertaing table that I will not beable to tell my loved ones that i love them.
I am so moody right now i am thinking most of it is i am scared and i am in pain.