all worked up needed to vent

I have to write. If i don't i will not be able to sleep tonight. I have been trying to go to sleep for several hours now. Every time i start to fall asleep my mind wanders and i think about all the stuff that can go wrong and then i have issues breathing and then i am all worked up and i can't sleep. I have tried my breathing exercises that i was taught when i was in the bay program at the hospital and that is not working. I don't know what to do. I am Blogging in hopes that it helps me realize that i am over reacting and lets me stop. I know that nothing will happen but I didn't think anything would happen to Jackson and see where that got me. I am not going to postpone the surgery because i know i need it. Also i am tired of being in pain. But i guess i have this fear that i won't come out alive I am thinking that stems from what happened to me in June 06. I am finally getting to place where i can be happy and sad and it doesn't matter. I don't want to leave Jesse or my family. I am just now getting to the point that my head is starting to settle down and be on straight. I know most of my limitations and i am working on getting healthier and this surgery will help that. I am moving on with my life without Jackson. I am ready to begin living again. I am trying to make plans for the future without regretting the past,
I am feeling better now that i have wrote this blog and talked to one of my online friends,

A little update on my moving back into the trailer. I have a complete bed now. I went and bought a mattress yesturday in the pouring rain. I already had a box spring and frame but when i went to move out the old mattress got wet and had mold on it and where i am allergic to mold Didn't think it was a good thing to be sleeping on it. Today Jesse and i took my dresser which had belonged to my Great Grandma VanLoo over i have to fix a leg that broke off ( it has been broken for a while). We also brought over a TV and the tv stand that my mom gave me. We have the living set already there. I have to go up tomorrow night and talk all the food out of the fridge and freeze and throw it away. Then i am going to start taking the kitchen cabinets down. I am expanding my kitchen. Jesse is helping plan where certain things are going in the house. He went and picked out the color of the counter top. He won't let me paint the master bedroom purple. SO that is why i am thinking he is going to move in. I am calling it our trailer. He knows that IF we were to break up that he could stay in the trailer till he found another place to live. I would move out and in with my parents. I am not wanting that to happen. I just wanted to give him that peice of mind that he would not be homeless. Well now that i am settled down i think i am going to sign off and try to go to sleep. Night all